Z80 - The Diagnosis Is Not Consistent With The Gender of the Patient

Over halfway through the chemo

Posted by David Poncelow Thu, 21 Dec 2006 18:59:00 GMT

I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth- I’m afraid that I haven’t really known what to say lately. Three weeks ago now I got my last treatment of A/C, and a week ago I got my first treatment of Taxol. I have to admit that I’ve been having a bit harder a time these last couple weeks.

I think that it’s natural for the middle to be the hardest- the determination with which I started has waned a little bit, and the remainder of the treatment seems like a long ways left to go. But each treatment brings me closer to finishing, and soon I will be done. I expect that as I get closer it will be easier again. I think it’s a lot like Wednesdays- when it’s a hard week, that workday can feel so much longer than the others.

I’m also starting to get the fuzzy brain that Aunt Stacy has mentioned. It’s more than a little frustrating- I can’t seem to hold a train of thought, so it feels like I can’t think. I’ve had problems doing things like adding up totals while splitting a bill- I just can’t keep track of the numbers as I’m used to doing. Being able to read comes and goes as well. Sometimes I can keep track of the train of thought, and sometimes I can’t. It seems to be somewhat related to how ‘conversational’ the tone of what I’m reading is. I was able to read a book on Iceland last night without a problem, but a fairly easy book on programming was a lost cause.

I’m also finding myself with less going on in my head. I’m used to having thoughts vying for my attention, and I’m always thinking about something. Now I can sit and look out a window without thinking anything and just lose track of time.

The Taxol was different (and a bit harder) too- I had expected this treatment to be a bit easier than the A/C, but instead I had a harder time. Part of it was the pre-meds and part of it may have been this particular time, as I’d been fighting a cold and wasn’t feeling grand to begin with. I found myself getting very emotional during the administration for reasons I didn’t really understand and felt very ‘altered’. I wasn’t able to futz around on the computer or read a book- instead I tried to sleep through it. We had a wonderful windstorm that night, however, and I was able to take a very refreshing walk through the rain on the way home which revived me a bit.

The stuff can also cause pains in the joints and muscles- my oncologist described it as ‘feeling like you have been beat up’. I expected a bit of ache as though I had the flu, but was rather surprised by the reality- it wasn’t too bad, but it was enough to make me wince and limp!

All of this aside, I’m now on the downhill slope. Three more treatments and I’ll be done with this stage and on to the next. Three treatments doesn’t sound too bad- I can manage that. Somehow getting past this last treatment has made it so that the end feels much closer- I feel like I’m on the downhill slope now. Just a few more weeks, and those weeks are full of good stuff- my parents and brother are coming out to visit in a couple weeks, I’ve got time off for the holidays, and I’ve got a little trip out to the ocean this weekend.

I’m also (re)starting something I should have gone back to a long time ago- taking pictures. I used to love photography, but I allowed it to get sidelined, let it slip away. Now it seems like something that suits where I am- it doesn’t require a great concentration or focus, but it is something that requires awareness and mindfulness and encourages noticing one’s surroundings. I picked up a used camera last week and now I’m looking forward to playing a bit.

This is a bit of a rambling, unfocused entry, but that’s OK- I’m a bit rambling and unfocused right now. One opportunity that this experience has afforded me is the chance to practice being kind to myself- accepting that I have limitations right now and that they aren’t failings or flaws, but just the way things have to be right now. Difficult times are when we grow the most, and I do feel that I am becoming a stronger, healthier, and more resilient person through all of this. I won’t go so far as to say that I would have chosen to go through this, but I do feel that I will come out of it better than I went in.