Z80 - The Diagnosis Is Not Consistent With The Gender of the Patient: The hair is gone

The hair is gone

David Poncelow — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 17:31:00 +0000

Well, I shaved off my hair and my beard a couple nights ago. I was just looking too much like Bill the Cat to keep going on that way- every morning in the shower more and more hair was coming out, leaving unsightly bald patches.

I didn’t expect for the change to bother me, but I found that it did. It wasn’t a problem with losing the hair itself- it was the feeling of a loss of control that bothered me. When I was washing my hair, every time I would touch my head my hand would be covered in hair and I couldn’t get it to stop. It wasn’t coming out fast enough to finish, but that constant flow of dropping hairs made me compelled to rinse it out one more time, bringing out yet more hair.

It really seemed symbolic of the way I have felt this last week, too- unbalanced, out of control, unstable. I’ve wandered around in a bit of a haze, discouraged, frustrated, and more than a little bit testy. I’ve felt needy and clingy, and have at the same time have actively pushed people away.

I’ve also noticed a great frustration with the disparity between the way I feel and the way I look. I don’t look particularly sick, so when I don’t feel well I feel as though nobody knows. I keep looking at myself as I imagine other people see me, and since I don’t imagine myself looking poorly, I have a hard time forgiving myself for my inability to behave ‘normally’. I imagine that this will work the other way, too- as I continue to lose my hair and look more and more like a ‘cancer patient’, I imagine that there will be times that I look really poor and feel quite well. It’s really the disparity I perceive that is disconcerting and a bit disturbing.

I’m feeling better about these things- it’s easier for me when I’m able to sort them out somewhat and figure out the causes and the sometimes mistaken assumptions. I can come up with ways of changing the way I feel about these problems, ways of viewing them differently and ways of taking responsibility for changing them. When I feel poorly, it’s OK to just say so- I understand that it’s not always apparent that I’m not doing well. Everyone I deal with every day knows what’s going on and is going to be understanding- I need to have the courtesy to be understanding of myself. The way that I appear physically, good or bad, is not really what matters.

Shaving my head feels empowering. While I still have a voice saying ‘isn’t that a bit extreme?’, I don’t have the frustration in the shower in the morning. I’ve acknowledged that it’s happening, and that I don’t have full control over it- it happens on it’s own time. Like so many things in this situation, I don’t have control over everything. But I do have control over the way that I deal with and approach my challenges.

"The hair is gone" by David Poncelow

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 20:39:53 +0000

Thanks, headless-cat- I almost should have dyed it, too- it would have been a good time to play with it. I have been getting that follicle pain- I hadn’t quite figured out what it was, as it kind of feels like getting stabbed by little hairs (particularly when I lay on a pillow). It’s good to hear that I’m not alone in that driving me crazy! The a/c is going well… not something I’ll be recommending at parties, but it’s going as well as I could hope.

Thanks, Mom. I know that it has to be difficult to see from afar as well. The inability to really understand what someone else is feeling and going through is always a source of distress- always more so when it’s something as fearful and disconcerting as cancer in someone you love. I am very happy in the knowledge that whether the specific way that I’m feeling on a given day is fully understood or not, I am very much loved.

"The hair is gone" by Mom

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 17:13:16 +0000

It’s difficult to expose my thoughts on your open site, but David, you’ve expressed our frustration as well. It hurts that we can’t take this problem from you. We can only observe it happening to you–the personal fears, the effects of the chemo on your emotions and body, the day-to-day living with your world distorted from what it was. It’s so frustrating for the people that love you. It helps that your are choosing to benefit from this time–analyzing your thoughts, taking charge over your emotions and will. We admire you so much! One day you’ll look back on this time positively for the wealth of personal growth it’s providing. But right now, it’s the pits. We’re huring and despairing for you even if you don’t allow that for yourself. You are loved so deeply by so many!

"The hair is gone" by headless-cat

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 12:11:33 +0000

the second time i had to have chemo and knew i was going to lose my hair i dyed it bright orange - it is much easier to just shave it than to have it messy everywhere (as you have found out) - i also had follicle pain and my scalp hurt when the hair was moved slightly each time also

hope the a/c is going ok..